music tonight.

Andrew Belle's Daylight is more depressing than my norm, but beautiful I think.  This is the sort of music I listen to when I have a big task to plow through that's going to bottle me up in the library until 2am, but at the same time I feel rather at peace about the whole ordeal.

summer wish list.

I have to stay up because I just put laundry in the wash and the thought of wet clothes sitting all night...nawww, not so much.  I can either work on the reference list for my junior thesis OR I can compile my summer clothing wish list.  The choice is clear. (:

• shorts! I have two pairs...from two years ago. Time to upgrade.  I feel like all the leg workouts I've been killing myself over in the last six weeks should warrant a pair similar to these..  

American Eagle, $40.  

American Eagle, $40.

Definitely won't be spending $40 on something that's probably only worth $10.  This is just inspiration for when I hit the thrift stores. (:

These from Old Navy are also sweet, and cost half as much. 

Old Navy, $23

• What I really need ("need" being a very relative term after spending  a week in India) are skirts.  Much like shorts, I own two skirts I would actually wear.  Those post is making it much more glaringly obvious how pathetic my wardrobe really is. 

I love this skirt from American Eagle!  It also happens to be on sale at the moment.  Hm..

American Eagle, on sale for $20

And then there are these two, from Old Navy. Ahh!

Old Navy, on sale for $17

Old Navy, on sale for $17

And these two, from Maurices.  Wow, wow, wow.  I'm a fan.

Maurices, $32

Maurices, $32

• Next I would buy a bunch of t shirts from Target because they are great and come in great colors and one of my favorite looks is a cute skirt such as the ones I've picked out here paired with a simple, fitted, feminine t shirt.  Solid stuff there.  Like such as this one, which is $8 and comes in 12 colors. Thank you, Target.  

Target, $8

• I'm feeling some chunky jewelry to pull all these hypothetical outfits together.

Target, $25

Target, $30 

Target, $14

• And shoes! Oh summer shoes!  

Target, $15

Target, $20

Now I have an itch to make a few polyvore outfits from everything in this post.  You might see them soon, considering that today was my last day of classes as a junior! WHEW!  

rain.

It's been rainy in Hillsdale for more than a week.  Every day, there is no sun, and the ground squishes when I walk.  Every day I've refused to wear my rain boots, and then my little canvas knock-off vans get all wet down at the toe.  I walk and sigh and internally I feel like if the sun came out, then I would be happy.  

There is a fabulous song by the Oh Hello's that reminds me of how I should feel about the rain. Please listen to it.

You know those days when you feel like you're going to be flipping burgers for the rest of time as we know it?  You know how that feeling can be brought about by one single hour of your life spent struggling over an exam?  Think about it: if we live for 80 years, that's seven hundred thousand, eight hundred hours. 700,800.  I should probably not get hung up on just one.  But I always hate it when adults say, "In thirty years, is this exam going to matter?" Well, hell yes it's going to matter if this exam is one of many failed exams which keep me from getting accepted to grad school which keeps me from doing what I want to do with my life which keeps me from being happy.

This is why we can't expect people who don't know Jesus to be happy.  If you don't know Jesus, your happiness has be based on things like clouds, and exam scores, and what color your car is painted.  Those are some awfully fickle things, which means your happiness will end up being awfully fickle as well.

I don't want to be fickly happy.  Like CS Lewis said: "Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose...only (upon) the Beloved who will never pass away."

Clouds and exams should not dictate my happiness.  There's more to life.  Much, much more.  

humble.

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and remember who your God is.

When you fight with your best friend, the kind of fight where you turn on your heel and walk away.  And you sit down to write your paper, but your mind is like a grumpy elephant; big and clumsy and getting its trunk twisted up in its two front feet.  

I thought I lost my phone so I dug around in the darkest recesses of my backpack, and the only thing that came up was a white note card that said, "So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." It's not my handwriting; I have no idea where it came from. But it made me pause.  It helped me untangle my trunk from my two front teeth.  I am here to glorify God.  Is that what I'm doing? Right now?

He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your God?

Do justice. Love kindness. Walk humbly.  It's really that simple.  

completed project: crocheted giraffe

I feel rather accomplished when I actually create, complete or bake something I've pinned to Pinterest.  Over break when I didn't have school, I made this giraffe pattern from Lion Brand Yarn, which I had pinned months ago.  It was quite simple and didn't take long at all.  The stitching is all single stitch, so the trickiest part is crocheting around in a circle, but that's not hard at all if you use a bobby pin to mark your spot. (: This little guy loves it!

I didn't remember to take a picture till it was too late to take a good one..

In other news, I knitted this rabbit for his sister; it's a lot plainer but I like it.  

steady.

“Laura felt a warmth inside her. It was very small, but it was strong. It was steady, like a tiny light in the dark, and it burned very low but no winds could make it flicker because it would not give up.” 

Laura Ingalls Wilder, The Long Winter.

pain.

There are days when I feel like I would rather my own self be in pain than someone I love. I don't mean this in a self-righteous way at all.  The simple truth is that when someone else hurts, I hurt.  I want to take a little of their hurt for myself so they don't have to carry quite so much, and I hate that I can't.

Someone I very much love is dying. She is over ninety, and it is time for her life to slip away.  I understand that.  But things aren't going as they should.  Her life won't slip away quietly and peacefully.  She is in and out of hospitals, going through surgeries, on a high dosage of morphine to ease the pain.  My mom goes and visits her, holds her hand, and prays for her.  I sit in my room and cry and cry to think that the sweetest, kindest little lady I have ever known is fighting a battle no one should have to fight, especially when they are wonderful and kind and ninety years old.

All I want to do tonight is sit beside her and cling to her hand, but I am 700 miles away.  I want to fill that soundless room with my laughter and tell her how thankful I am for the childhood memories of hard candy and coat-hanger crafts.  I want to tell her how much I loved being to walk down the block as a little girl to visit her when I got done with school.  I want to tell her how special she made this kid feel.  

But all I can do is read updates from my mom and pray - beg - God to take away her pain.  I don't understand why she has to hurt.

Someday all things will be made right and there will be no more pain.  For Bea, I wish it were today.  I love her so.  It hurts to love.